Sunday morning.

So, last night I ran away from my abusive relationship.  Not far…never far…but far enough for that time and for that night.

I stayed at a house that I look after for an out-of-town relative. It’s a wreck though because no one lives there, so there are papers and roaches and clothes everywhere. I lay on top of the covers and slept in my clothes. Still better than staying in my own house.

I woke up at 3am, eager to get out of the dank house but dreading going home. It’s an odd feeling–wanting to go home and simultaneously not wanting to. But the house feels unclean, and I sleep with a cpap machine and woke up with a stopped up nose and a general feeling of unwell. It was time to go home.

But it’s too early to go home, because I would wake everyone up…notably, that person, and it will start all over again. You see, I am the final ingredient in a toxic soup. When added to the pot, it boils over, and I’ve been scalded too much lately.

So I sit in the parking lot of McDonald’s at 4am and watch Wonder Woman on my laptop. She is amazing. No one can hurt her or anyone she loves. The battery in the laptop dies when she and Steve are dancing in the snow. “It’s magical,” she exclaims with delight. I could use a little magic in my life. And then the screen went black.

I drove around awhile listening to music. When you have depression, anything that makes you feel something, at least for me, is eagerly sought after, so I find some old-school rap and turn up the bass. The tremor in my hands and the vibration of the steering wheel from the music match each other well, like a heartbeat.

I pull into the drive around 8am. It’s still too early, and I had turned the music down long before I slowed to make the turn, so my hands are shaking again. I leave the car idling, and measure out what to do with the rest of my immediate life.  If I get out, I’ll wake the dog, and that will wake them up, and it will start all over again.  Or, I could sit here for a few more hours… wait it out. Or, I could put the car in reverse and go-

Nowhere. Not back to that dusty house. Not another night away. That would only make things worse.  I put the car in park and turn off the ignition.

This is Sunday morning. It’s the start of a new week.